My friend just broke up with her boyfriend. She gave him countless options to show up over years. Specifically communicated with what she wants in a relationship and he was still taking a piss. In all honesty, I didn’t really believe she was sure about her needs and wants, until she showed me their messages. It was all there in white on green, written down within the little green chat box, but I still had to ask, but have you told him in person this? Yes, she raised her voice. I am sorry, I don’t know why I asked that, it was disrespectful of me. I can only say I am deeply sorry for not believing her, even for 3 seconds. But what really hurt me is that I liked this guy, I was in his team and when he failed, I felt I failed too. In my judgement, that he is a good person for her.
I mean he is a good person for sure, but not for my friend. And while she is dealing with her break up, I myself had to deal with a different feeling and I didn’t know why did his acts towards her hurt me so much? Why is, his not showing up for her, hurting me?
While I sat in my own thoughts, the same morning she came to me and said, listen to this. I listen to the voicemail he sent her. The only reason why I would share a private voicemail or any messages with my friends is because I would feel I need approval, a confirmation that I am not going mad, that I am not imagining things. Listening to this message made me gag. How come someone has the audacity to dare to send this after being a complete jerk? How? I am sorry, I miss you, I love you, but then completely ignores you when you are supposed to meet, for whatever reason (insert here what ever reason was given to you), but just for example, because he gets drunk with friends? Who does that? I mean once it can happen right? But twice, three times, I mean man duck off. In this time and age, this is unacceptable. I love you, he says, my dear love, you have no idea what love is. You took her for granted and after 6 chances in only one month you failed to show up for her, you dare to say I love you? I mean, wash your mouth with soap or whatever saying in English is for a dirty mouth, as you are talking shit. Lots of it. How the hell dare you to try to confuse her judgement and question her? This is low, very low. Knowing that you made a mistake, and saying I know I made a mistake but…. The mistake was made 10.000 times before already, wake up. I mean, low bro, low. And go home. Duck you. For me personally, this is an emotional manipulation. And you need help bro, a professional one.
Before you call me crazy, above monolog happened in my head only. Clearly, someone is angry here, right, and it wasn’t my friend.
Normal me would start shouting and saying all sorts of things out loud, he's mad and crazy and omg, he's awful and how did I even think he's right for her? But not today. Today, I looked at her and said, what do you want me to say? She said, nothing, but how sad is this? It is, I agreed. Have I done the right thing, she asked. Is that a question or thinking out loud, I think it’s a question. I believe it was a question, yes. It is a questions. Well in that case …
Dear broken heart. (Takes a deep breath in and out, because this will be a long one and there will not be time for breathing in between. So maybe grab yourself a cuppa. And chocolate.)
Please don’t ever question yourself and think you are asking for too much. You are not, you are just asking the wrong man or person, whoever (feel free to insert your own pronouns). If someone says they love you, but constantly do the same thing that hurts you, that is not love, that is selfish and disrespectful. I understand that he probably doesn't know how to, but it's not your responsibility, as a woman, to teach him this. Yes, you will be his best friend, yes you will be there for him, support him, and love him, you will be his girlfriend, partner, lover, and everything else. But, babe, you can not be his therapist or his mum. We all bring baggage in our new relationship, you and him okay? So, what gives him the right to keep failing you because of his previous experience? And what gives him the right to expect you to understand this? All over again and again. Year after year. Nothing, okay. And even when you are understanding, he keeps dropping out at the last minute. I promise you, I swear to you, if he will be into you he will show up 100%, but he is just not. He never showed up 100%, to begin with.
He thinks he loves you, but he doesn't and what he's offering might be love for him and someone else, but it's not enough love for you babe. Some other people might be very happy with what he's offering but not you. Do you know why? Because you deserve better, you deserve more, because you are an amazing human being and you deserve to be loved. If you have to try to convince someone to love you, to begin with, he is not the right person. It's not worth it. The right person will love you just because of the way you show up. Because of your consistency, because you don’t drop out, you don’t disappoint with basics. If you say something you stick to that. Someone who shows up deserves to be shown up.
His previous bad experiences are not an excuse for his misbehaviour in his new relationship, he needs a therapist and to start working on himself. And, I am sorry to say this, yes he might love you, but loving someone is not enough. That is what I learnt in my life. It's more than love. You know that. I am sure you agree with this. You loved before right? Was it enough? Did it work? We know what we need and want, it's the person you are sitting opposite who is convincing you that you don’t know. And with their acts they make you question if such a thing even exists. They are making you question yourself and causing you to feel that you are not worthy. But this is far from true. The only problem here is that you are asking the wrong person, not for the wrong things. You deserve to be loved. I deserve to be loved. We all deserved to be loved, even him. Start saying this to yourself: I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be loved. Every day. Several times a day. You deserve to be loved, but this love has to start within yourself first. If you don’t love yourself first, how do you expect someone else to love you? Do you love yourself? All love you possess and you are trying to give to someone else, give this to yourself to begin with. Just stop. I promise you, it will change your life perception. I once read a sentence somewhere it goes like this: Imagine being loved the way you love. I mean, this sat with me for weeks and made me cry a lot, but eventually, I realised that I am the first love of my life and that only by loving myself, I will be able to love others. Don't hold me for my word, as I am still learning too. Every day. But some things are just too obvious to ignore.
Little help…
Think about yourself as a little child aged 5-6, what would you want? If you can’t hear anything, go to your bedroom and before you fall asleep, put the candle on, turn the lights off, close your eyes, and let the silence happen. What little you want? No judgement. Eating ice cream for breakfast? Sorted, get her bloody ice cream for breakfast. You are an adult, you can do whatever you want. Start with little things but start making your little you happy. Check on her more often and you will see, she will guide you. It is you who need to make feel safe first, so you don’t look for this safety elsewhere. It is you who need to be loved first, so you don't look for this love elsewhere. If you give yourself safety and love first, there is nothing that can happen to you, you are your own person.
Or let's rather say there is less likely you will fall for someone who doesn't respect your basic needs and wants, such as being on time or being there in the first place if you agreed. You will pick up red flags at an earlier stage and call them out if you want to of course, as you don’t owe anyone any explication of why you decided the way you did. You will pick up the early stages of, this is a no for me, instead of being manipulated and tricked into giving a million chances for things that shouldn't happen in the first place. You will appreciate your time more and it will not be acceptable for you that someone doesn’t respect this. Everyone can be late once or twice, but the third time it's a no from me. By thinking about these things earlier you will be able to save yourself something very important, something that was taken from you and will never be given back, it's called, your time. You will save your time.
Would little you want to give this guy another chance? Knowing how hurt she was previously and how hurt you were. Would you give him another chance? We don’t know how many times in a row now, as it was too many and we just lost count. There are so many people out there who want the same thing as you. The problem with why you don’t find each other is because you are not saying no when you need to, but you settle for the crumbs, while you could have the whole cake (insert here your favourite dessert/food). People are just not vibing the same energy. The vibration is different. Just simply speaking about what you need will start giving away a vibration, which will attract someone with the same vibration. Own what the hell you want. Know your needs and wants and don’t feel bad about it.
Let me say this again, please know your needs and wants and don’t feel bad about it.
Go and find what you want and if you don’t know, start with asking what little you want and until you figure out what you want, do what she wants. Following her, I am 100% you will feel better and happier than wasting your time with the people who keep promising something but constantly underdelivering. I promise you also, you will find out that you don’t need someone just for the sake to be with someone, as you already have everything. Yourself. You have the most important thing ever, you have you. And your little you, of course. You guys are a team, to begin with.
And once both of you are happy, you will start vibrating energy that will attract someone with the similar one. Someone ready to commit and do things with you that you wish to do. You will find each other and consciously decide to show up for each other because both of you will deserve it and you will both want it. You will respect each other's time and effort. Before love starts, it's always respect. If you don’t respect each other, it's difficult to build. I believe that respect is the foundation of any healthy relationship. But as I said, it starts with respect towards yourself first. It’s a circle. I finished my TED talk.
Silence. Just FYI, that was not a question. Noup. Not a question. Awkward. She was looking at me. I was looking at her and waiting for reaction. You are right. I need to focus on myself now. Thank you for the talk, she said and walked to her room.
Anyway, after I sat down to have a conversation with myself and a bunch of other people, trying to pick up their brain sort of thing. And I found the answer to my own question: Why, did his not showing up for her, hurt me?
I found a few conclusions…
one, because break up is never an easy experience and we all have been there so, whether we want it or not it can bring old memories back. Its upsetting and triggering.
two, because it reminded me of all time that we spend as human beings with people who don’t deserve us, the time we will never get back.
three, because I care about my friend a lot, I love her, and her pain and hurt, hurt me. I know she deserves more. So, of course, I was angry about it and not happy about this. While I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and I want her to be happy too. He storms in her life when ever he wants and disturbs my friends' peace and mine, our peace, okay. And we all deserve peace. So, one of my rules is, if you don’t bring peace into my life, you are out. Life is already hard enough and I do not need anyone to make it harder, so does my friend.
four, I can express my feelings as much as I want, but at the end of the day, it is not my decision to make. I as a friend, and you of course, we, just need to make sure we show enough love, understanding and support, to still be here when they decide to go back. And trust me, they go back, more than once. And they are allowed to, until they, themselves have enough of it. Until they decide that their own peace is more important than anything. It's their fight to fight. We, as good friends, we just need to be there. Again and again. But only if we want to. And if we are capable to.
Breakups are hard. Be gentle. That's it. Until next time, say more no’s.
Love,
Jasmina x
Disclaimer 1: I like to get involved my Instagram community in this letter as much as I can. I usually ask them a question about the topic I am writing and this time around I asked them: what is your number 1 advice to a friend with broken heart? The answers from my community are spread across of this article and every person is credited with their Insta name, except if they asked me not to name them. But these little squares you see, are real people, my dear followers. Thank you to everyone who took the time and help me out with this.
If you still haven't bought a Christmas present for your best girlfriend and looking to support a small business, why not get her a poetry book called "ask the butterfly"? It's a collection of poems inspired by my own and different women in my life experience about love and self worth. Real. Inspirational. You can get yours here.